Lose Yourself
by RiRi17
Summary: Ranger finally admits that he's lost himself and that he can't find anything, including what he wants. Stephanie. He has one shot, one opportunity to make everything right. But will he lose everything to do so? Stephanie's POV, M for reasons. Lem, Lang.
1. One Shot 2 Shot

**This is the new version of Lose Yourself. Until I get past my exams, which only last for a little over a week, this will probably be it for a little while. Unless I do what I did with this and procrastinate and not study. Regardless, all of the kind words I received from everyone after my author's note were more than enough motivation to keep going and do the best I could with this.**

**I couldn't have done this without Stayce, as she is so brutally honest with me (especially about the teenage angst) and when my ideas are getting out of control. Thank you for helping me turn this into something I can be proud of.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of Janet Evanovich's original characters. I'm not making any money by writing this, just killing time and enjoying myself. Any and all new characters that may make an appearance are mine.**

**RiRi17**

* * *

Oh, god, I wanted it badly. I stared at it, sitting in my hand calmly, almost smirking at me. I knew the end result would leave me heartbroken, but I needed it. I hadn't had it in so long. It always was just too satisfying. I dropped my head to the counter top, taking deep breaths. Reddi-whip advertises that it's only 15 calories per serving…two tablespoons…there are 40 servings per can. That's only 600 calories in the whole can! That's only a piece of cake, right?

My name is Stephanie Plum, and in the last six months, I've had to grow up so much I wanted to kick myself. I realised that I was pretty crappy at my job as a bounty hunter, so I let Lester and Tank train me, in between working for RangeMan and Vinnie's bail bonds business. The extra money I picked up from the regular hours gave me enough to get new, _matching _furniture. I had nicer clothes, the option of redoing my horrendous brown and yellow bathroom and it finally got my mother off my back. I was working behind a desk most of the time, which I hated, but if it meant I stopped getting covered in garbage, both my mother and I were happy.

The cons of consuming the item in front of me would mean weight gain. And after all the exercise I had to do to keep my job at RangeMan. After all the running and weightlifting and fitness testing to ensure that I'd be safe when I worked, which was not often, I wasn't planning on ruining the body I'd been working so hard for. Because Tank was in charge until Ranger got back, _if _he ever got back, Tank was riding my ass constantly to be safe and to stay in the office as much as possible, because we all knew what would happen if the bossman came back and Babe wasn't in tip top shape.

Pros: it tastes good, it's extremely satisfying and it's definitely worth it, even though I know it won't last as long as I want it to. Like certain other things, but those other things last way longer. Wait. Is that a pro or a con?

I lifted the can to my mouth, squeezing the plunger to let the creamy goodness fill my mouth when the locks tumbled and the door swung open. Ranger stood at the door, eyebrow raised at me. I nearly choked on the whipped cream as I threw it into Rex's cage. He came out to investigate before looking at me, twitching his whiskers and scurrying back into his soup can.

"Babe."

I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the massive amount of cream in my mouth. My cheeks were puffed out to Rex sized proportions. "Hi," I squeaked out after gulping it down.

He pushed off the door, coming to stand in front of me, locking eyes with me. They were dark and smouldering and I stopped breathing. His talented fingers reached up and wiped a smidge of left over cream from the corner of my mouth. He lifted the finger to his mouth, cleaning off the cream. I think I moaned. What he could _do _to me with those fingers and that tongue.

"Deep thoughts?"

"Little bit."

"Explain."

I certainly wasn't going to admit that I'd been having an internal battle with myself over whipped cream all over his body. I shook my head when my cheeks flamed and turned away to fish out the can of whipped cream from Rex's tank. No way. That's too hard a question to answer to the man of mystery.

He didn't say anything, and I certainly didn't hear anything, so when I turned around, I was a little surprised to see him still there. I'd kind of hoped that he'd gone back to the Batcave. I sighed and rubbed my face with one hand, the other firmly clenched around the can of whipped cream. "What do you want, Ranger?"

He raised an eyebrow at me, moving closer and pulling out a stool before sitting on it. He surveyed the room quietly, and then looked back at me. "New furniture?"

"Yeah." I nodded an affirmative.

"Looks good. Suits you."

"Thanks."

We sat there in silence, me in awkwardness and him in his zone. I assessed him. He was away recently He'd been gone for the last six months. "In the wind" with Bobby and some of the others...from Miami, I thought. I wasn't in on it, so I really didn't know what or where.

The last time I saw Ranger, he'd called me into his office, told me that he'd be leaving, and didn't know if he'd be coming back. Tank would be in charge, and the penthouse would be available if I needed it.

Then he proceeded to kiss the hell out of me. Between the news and the kiss, I almost passed out and Ranger had to drive me home. He told me to take care of myself. Then he kissed me on the forehead, and left, locking the door behind him. What the hell?

I'd called Lula and she'd brought over beer and wine. Morelli took us to his house for the night because we'd been waiting outside Pino's for a cab, causing a ruckus. I know what you're probably thinking. But Lula slept in the guest room and I slept in Morelli's bed – _alone – _ while he went to his cousin, Mooch's, place. Some people had called the cops and made complaints about the noise level and he used his influence to help Lula and I out.

I digress.

There was a new scar on the side of his neck, and another on his left hand. I couldn't imagine what would have caused him to leave for six months with no call, no letter. Not even a stupid text to let me know that he was still alive. Tank probably knew, but would I ever be let in on the game? No. Logically, however, I knew that he would never have been allowed to call me. And he'd always said to me that no news was good news. But still. It would have been nice.

"Stephanie."

"Ranger." I could play that game too. I could use just one word. It wasn't that hard.

His lips twitched; the Ranger equivalent of a full blown grin. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"Good."

I moved around the counter, all the while facing him. Lester and Tank had been making sure that I kept working out, but not even they could control what I ate, and I _knew_ that none of them would ever approve of me eating whipped cream out of the can. My hands were clenched, the same as every other muscle in my body.

He stared at it for a long moment, before looking back at me. "That–"

"Stuff will kill you, Babe," I intoned, doing a poor mimicry of his voice, opening the garbage bin and throwing the now empty can in before slamming it shut. I whirled around to face him. "What do you want?"

His lips curled up a little more. He was smirking. Barely. "I came to tell you that I'm back."

I rolled my eyes. "Obviously. Seeing as you're here and not wherever the hell you were. Got that. Welcome home, good-bye. Now can you leave please?" I made a shooing motion with my hands.

His eyes changed, along with his expression. It was only slight, and if you didn't know what to look for, you would never see it. "Steph, what's wrong?"

Gripping the counter top with my hands, I leaned over it, looking him in the eyes. "You're an asshole. That's what's wrong. You need to leave."

He stood too. "I have been in the past; would you like to explain to me why I'm one now?" He crossed his arms over his chest.

I exploded. "You left! Six months ago! You said the apartment on seven was open if I needed it, but every time I went there I kept thinking about the whole Slayers mess! And then I kept thinking about _you _in there with me! I can't sleep if I'm thinking about that!"

"I told you–you were thinking about me in bed with you?" His wolf grin made a reappearance.

"That's not the point!" I yelled, waving my arms around like the true half Italian I am.

He opened his mouth to answer when the shrill ringing of my cell phone interrupted. When I let it ring out, he raised an eyebrow at me. It started ringing again. "Are you going to answer that?"

I glared at him before snatching it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, beautiful girl. How are we today?" Lester asked, sounding tired.

I watched Ranger as he walked around my apartment, taking in the new furniture, before he headed into my bedroom, presumably to look at the new sheets. I hated to admit it, but they were exactly the same as Ranger's. In my defence though, his sheets were fabulous. I'd decided that I needed some too. I could hear him pawing through my stuff. "Good. Are we still on for tonight?"

The rustling coming from my room stopped.

"Yeah, but Ranger got back today, so it might have to be a bit later than we planned." Lester sounded guilty. "I was supposed to warn you, actually. From what Tank said, he's on a bit of a rampage."

"How's Bobby doing?" I asked, changing the subject quickly as Ranger appeared in the doorway at the mention of his friend. His blank face was firmly in place.

Lester groaned. "He got in, said hi to me and Tank and then went to his apartment on four. That was a couple hours ago now though. Every time we call he ignores us. Even Ella tried to get him to talk to her, but he shut the door in her face."

Wow. You didn't shut the door in Ella's face. I was surprised to hear she'd even let him do that. "That bad, huh?" I leaned my hip against the counter, examining my nails. I would need a manicure soon.

"Yeah. And I feel like I should be here just in case…" he trailed off, sounding miserable.

"We can cancel tonight if you need to stay with him," I said hurriedly. While Tank and Ranger were classified as best friends, even though they didn't act like it, Lester and Bobby were the same. They were just more open about their friendship and I knew Lester wanted to be there for him.

"I really don't want to do that, Steph." He sighed and I could hear him shuffling papers. "Look, I've got a shitload of paper work to get through, because Tank likes to delegate. I'll shoot Bobby a text and if he doesn't want to see me just yet, I'll pick you up. Sound good?"

"Yeah, of course," I replied. "Text me the time you think you'll be done so I can get ready."

He laughed. "I keep forgetting you're a Jersey girl through and through and you need hours to prepare yourself."

"Asshole," I growled before hanging up. Ranger cleared his throat. "What?" I demanded, staring at him.

He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. The blank face was still firmly in place. "Who was that?"

"Does it matter?" I turned to look in my fridge, hoping the magical food fairies had visited overnight to deposit food in my empty fridge. They hadn't. Grocery shopping just never seemed to be high on my list of things to do. I usually got take out or went to Pino's for a meatball sub.

"Yes."

"Why?" I closed the fridge door and started rummaging around in my cabinets. If I had bread, peanut butter and olives, I could make myself an okay dinner. If not…well, then I'd have to call my mother, begging her to make me dinner. Not that she'd ever say no, but she likes a bit of notice before I just showed up. I guess it depended on what Lester and Bobby worked out.

"Are you listening to me?" Ranger asked, finally breaking me from me internal ramblings.

"Huh?" I so eloquently put it.

I heard his boots hitting my floor, telling me I needed to move out of the line of fire. I was not interested in letting him have me for lunch. Breakfast. Brunch, I supposed. "Stephanie, look at me."

I turned to glare at him. "That sounded a lot like an order," I said, narrowing my eyes. "I'm not one of your men you can boss around."

He was sitting on the stool again, watching me carefully, like I was some kind of threat. "Who were you talking to on the phone?" he asked again in a low voice.

"Lester. What is your problem?" I crossed my arms over my chest, abandoning my search for food. I'd go and get take out or go to Dunkin' Donuts later.

Ranger raised his eyebrows at me before resuming the serious face. "When you're talking about a man who just got back from an intense mission to someone that shouldn't know about it, I make it my problem."

I swear to God I saw red. Quickly entering rhino mode, I narrowed my eyes at him. "What are you implying, Ranger?" I demanded. "Are you saying I would put someone I consider a friend at risk?" I hissed, clenching my fists to try to control the urge to clock him over the head with something. I was pretty sure I had a saucepan lying around somewhere. I couldn't even believe he would think me capable of doing that to the Merry Men.

"I have to look after my men, Stephanie."

Oh, so we were playing the full name game now. Right. "Well, _Ricardo_," I sneered, "I'm capable of looking after them as well. Even if I did know what happened, I would never tell anyone." He just stared at me, waiting. "But I would never put them at risk. I consider them my family, especially after the number of times they saved my ass while you were away."

At this, he sat up straighter. "What do you mean 'saved your ass'?"

I let out a frustrated noise. "That's not relevant! You seem to be under the impression I would sell every single one of you out! _Why_? Why do you think that?"

Ranger stood up to lean over me, trying to intimidate me. I glared up at him, noting with satisfaction that he appeared to be grinding his teeth. "Why did they need to save you?"

"You know me, I always need to be saved," I said flippantly, waving my hand. "Now tell me why you think I would betray you like that."

"I got a message passed onto me from Tank saying that you broke something. What happened?"

I rolled my eyes. Of course they would tell him about my most embarrassing moment of the year so far. I'd been chasing a skip in an old apartment building on Stark Street with the help of RangeMan. I caught sight of him running past me as I was checking out a room. He literally shot down the stairs, so me being me, I followed him. Tank heard the commotion and ordered me not to follow, but the bond was enough to pay my rent for a few months, with some left over.

But also, because I had the worst luck in the entire world, the stupid stairs collapsed as I was running down them. They didn't break when the 200 pound man was on them; they collapsed when my 110 pound self was thundering down them. I broke my leg and had to wear the most unattractive cast on it for eight weeks. The Merry Men couldn't stop laughing every time they saw me hobbling around Haywood.

I decided to give Ranger the shorter version. "Some stairs broke when I was chasing a skip and I fell and broke my leg."

His lips thinned. "Where was your back up?"

"The next floor up." I grinned at him. His fingers twitched. "He snuck past us. But I got the asshole in the end." Yeah, by throwing a pipe at him. The only way it hit the guy was by divine intervention. I was half buried in rubble, trying not to cry at the pain in my leg, before I saw the pipe and threw it at his head.

Ranger rubbed his wrist absentmindedly, drawing my eyes to it. There was a new scar there and I could see that it went up past his sleeve. "Stop," he said in a dark voice.

I jumped, my eyes flying to his. "Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like I need pity." He stepped back from the counter and walked into the center of the room, taking deep breaths.

Well, I wasn't even thinking about pity, but I wasn't brave enough to say that to an obviously pissed off Ranger. I decided to change the subject. "I wouldn't do that to any of you, you know," I said quietly, turning back to the cupboards to give him some space.

It was silent again as I rummaged around, looking for something sugary enough to take off the edge. I hadn't had a social orgasm in five months. My last time with Morelli was it, and even that wasn't as mind blowing as I'd hoped it would be. We parted for good two days after that and we'd maintained a somewhat awkward, but nice, friendship since then.

"I know," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear him. "But I have to protect Bobby and myself. I can't put him at risk. I did it too much on the mission anyway."

I stayed silent, my back still turned, trying not to break the spell. This was actually the most he'd ever spoken about a mission. To me, anyway.

Ranger let out a breath, the equivalent of a huge sigh in my eyes. "It was supposed to be over in two, three months tops." He didn't offer any more information than that for about five minutes. I was standing stock-still, waiting for a cue to turn around and comfort him in any way he would let me. "It was a difficult mission to begin with. A lot of men they'd already sent in were found out and… eliminated."

I flinched at the cold, monotone voice he was using. I knew that this was the only way he would be able to tell me anything without losing it. But the idea of so many men not making it home to their families was heartbreaking.

"It took a long time for them to trust us," Ranger stated. A scraping noise is the only indication I had that he was sitting down again. Rex's wheel stopped spinning while I waited. "We couldn't risk checking in with RangeMan at all. But Tank knows that no news is always good news."

Oh, God. I shuddered at the image in my head of Tank waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me that the most important, trust worthy and valuable man in my life was…gone. Someone as large in life as Ranger couldn't possibly die. I rubbed my chest, trying to soothe the small ache that had started at the mere idea of it.

"I usually check in with Tank to find out about you," he admitted, making me turn around so fast I nearly knocked myself off balance.

"What?" I blurted out, eyes wide.

Ranger met my eyes warily, looking like he was approaching a wild animal with the capability to do a lot of damage. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face. "I like to hear how you are, babe. Your adventures give me a reason for hope when I'm in the worst places in the world."

I choked back tears at what this might mean. Then it hit me. "You're laughing your ass off in some cave in the middle of nowhere because my takedowns are _funny_?" I demanded, feeling the teeniest bit insulted

Then he smiled. _Really _smiled. I nearly swooned at the beauty of it. "Take it as a compliment, Steph. It motivates me to get back here to you."

Oh Lordy. I nearly had to fan myself to get rid of the blush spreading over my face like wildfire. "But… but I thought your life didn't lend itself to relationships?"

He mulled over my question, leaving me hanging by a piece of thread, when the locks tumbled on the door and it swung open. Ranger was up and in front of me, gun out, before the intruder even came into view. "Santos," he growled, not bothering to lower the gun.

I blinked at the suddenness of, well, everything. I'd completely forgotten to tell Ranger that Lester was coming over, what with him telling me about his mission and all. I hadn't even realised that much time had passed. "Hey Les," I said from behind Ranger's back. I peeked out from under the arm holding the gun to see Lester looking bewildered at the situation.

"Uh… hey, beautiful girl. Bossman," he said, nodding in Ranger's direction, eyeing the gun. "Wanna point that thing away from me now?"

He didn't. "What are you doing here?"

I pushed against his back gently, trying to get his attention. "Ranger, put the gun down," I said in the most commanding voice I could muster. He did, slowly, but remained partially in front of me as I stepped around him. "You need to calm down. Lester is only here to pick me up for dinner."

Ranger met my eyes. They weren't the open, calm ones from before. They were hard and cold, shutting me out again. "You're going to dinner with him?" he asked, taking a deep breath in through his nose in an attempt to regain control.

He dropped the gun onto the counter, making both Lester and me flinch. He'd never been so careless about a firearm before. Even I always made sure the safety was on before placing it gently in my cookie jar. "Yeah," I replied slowly, watching him carefully for signs of anger directed at either of us. "Do you mind?"

He glared at me. "I obviously don't have a say, Stephanie."

I cringed internally at my full name, but on the outside, I was trying to keep my own version of the infamous blank face intact. "If you need me to stay with you–" I started.

He cut me off by snarling, "I don't need you." I felt like I'd been slapped. It must have shown on my face because he dropped the blank face immediately and stepped forward, pulling me into his arms. "Jesus, Steph, I'm so sorry," he murmured, pressing his lips to my hair.

I shivered, wanting nothing more than to curl into his chest for the rest of my life. But I was a big girl, and big girls don't run and hide from their problems. I gently extracted myself from his arms, turning to look at Lester. He was watching the exchange with a concerned look on his face.

"Can I talk to you outside real quick?" I asked Lester, knowing full well I was pulling the tiger's tail.

He nodded and turned, walking out into the hall. I followed, shutting the door quietly behind me. "I don't think you should be alone with him right now," Lester stated immediately, crossing his arms over his muscly chest. He held a hand up when I went to interrupt. "Hear me out. Ranger just got back from an extremely intense mission. He hasn't taken the time he usually does to sit down and decompress. Sometimes it's weeks before he comes down from seven. Bobby is the same, except he's doing the smart thing by removing himself from us."

"He won't hurt me," I tried to insist, but Lester was on a roll.

"Something happened, beautiful. They weren't supposed to be gone for as long as this. Until Ranger has had time to calm down and get himself back on track, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be the only one with him."

I glared, slamming my hands onto my hips. "He needs me. He came here for a reason, Lester. I want to be there for him."

Lester stared at me for a few tense moments before his shoulders dropped in defeat. "I'm not going to talk you out of this, am I?" I shook my head firmly. "Then I'm setting some rules. Call me once every hour. Have your cell phone charged and on you at all times. And _don't _try to seduce him. He's on a testosterone high and probably will be for a while. He could seriously hurt you. He could still be in the mentality of his cover, so be very careful around him for a while."

"Okay," I replied, resisting the urge to roll my eyes, Burg style.

"Stephanie, listen to me. You have to promise me, or I'll come back here with Tank and we'll lock him in his apartment. For some reason, he chose to ignore the protocol after the mission went FUBAR and came straight here. Don't try to be his saviour. You won't survive it." With that said, Lester turned and walked down the stairs, out of sight, obviously pissed off at me.

I suddenly felt very vulnerable as I re-entered my apartment.

Ranger was sitting on my couch, elbows resting on his knees, fingers tented in front of his face. His eyes were dark and cold.

I swallowed hard and sat down across from him.


	2. Ricky Ticky Toc

It's my first day back at uni and already I'm procrastinating…. Go me. Thank to my wonderful, amazing Stayce for editing this and putting up with my crazy ideas. Also my email, which doesn't seem to be working.

Janet Evanovich owns all her original characters and makes loads of money. I, unfortunately, do not. Any new characters you see are mine and the plot line is mine (partly Stayce's too).

* * *

He didn't move. He just stared at me while I watched him nervously. I had to break away from his gaze and looked down at my fingers, picking at the chipping nail polish. After a few minutes of this and continued silence, I started playing with the ends of my hair, examining it carefully for split ends. I needed to make an appointment with Mr Alexander in the next few weeks.

When the silence became unbearable, I looked up at him. "What?" I demanded, probably a little louder than intended.

Ranger was still staring. I opened my mouth to break the silence when he held up a finger to silence me. I snapped my mouth shut immediately, hoping for some sort of explanation for this odd behaviour. "Why was Santos here?" But it was Ranger. Of course I wouldn't get an explanation.

"I have a question," I said, watching as he raised an eyebrow at me. I took it as a sign to continue. "Why does it matter to you?"

He didn't reply, just went back to that calculating look. It was like he was studying me for some reason.

"Ranger, I'm not a threat," I told him, hoping to snap him out of… whatever this was. But the look on his face was the look he wore when he was staring at an armed skip, which made me extremely nervous.

"How long have you been working full time for RangeMan?" He didn't sound all that pleased about it.

I blinked at the change of subject. Not that there _was_ a subject, but this isn't where I was planning on taking the conversation at all. Maybe I should have taken Lester up on his offer to let Ranger cool down for a few days. "I'm not. I still pick up some skips for Vinnie. I work at RangeMan I like being able to pay my rent on a regular basis without embarrassing myself." I rolled my eyes. "The betting on my life was getting annoying," I muttered to myself.

But of course, he heard me. He looked surprised at my answer. Good. This was the new Stephanie Plum he was speaking to, and the new Stephanie Plum was trying to build up a nice new collection of nice clothes and spectacular shoes. Not only was the money insufficient, the lifestyle that came with being a bounty hunter just didn't lend itself to the chance of going out and getting dressed up without ruining my clothes. "Have you been taking advantage of the back up?"

I squared my shoulders, prepared to face the wrath of the tiger. "I don't need it anymore." His mouth opened to most likely chew me out before I cut him off. "Tank and Lester have been training me almost every day to make sure if I don't have back up, I can handle myself," I said firmly. On the inside though, I was cowering. I knew that Tank didn't approve of my insistence of going skip chasing alone, and we'd had more than a few arguments about it. In the end, I'd won. But only because I'd told him I was more than capable of picking up a phone and calling for help. And there might have been some threats made about removing any and all trackers and not checking in with RangeMan until I was home for the night.

Tank hadn't appreciated that.

Ranger took a deep breath, as if to regain control, before answering me. "Even my men always go with a partner, and most of them are military trained."

"Which is a waste of time!" I exclaimed, resisting the urge to wave my arms around. "They're all military trained, Ranger! Most of the time they're being sent out to save my ass."

He glared at me. "They go with a partner because it's what's ingrained into us. We watch each other's backs, something you don't seem to understand in the slightest." After he spat this at me, he leaned back into the cushions of my couch, scrubbing his hands over his face.

I flinched back. He couldn't have done more damage if he'd punched me. My mouth dropped open in shock and I had to work hard to shut it before he looked at me again. I clenched my fists and grinded my teeth, refusing to allow the stupid tears gathering to fall. When I was positive I had myself under control, I assumed my own version of the infamous blank face and straightened my spine. "I'm sorry you feel that way. Whenever I've worked with a partner, I've always done my best to make sure they're safe." I blinked furiously, willing the hot tears to disperse. Luckily for me, he still had his face in his hands.

"Just because you make sure they're safe doesn't mean you're watching their back," he said, although his voice was muffled.

"How so?" I asked through clenched teeth. I wanted nothing more than to stand up and start defending myself, waving my arms around and yelling, but I stayed calm. Well, as calm as I could.

Ranger lowered his hands slowly, resting them on his thighs before meeting my eyes again. "My men are partnered with someone who is compatible with them. We all have similar training, but as hard as it is to believe, we're not carbon copies of each other. Tank is my partner because we understand each other and can communicate efficiently. Lester and Bobby are able to let go of the more serious side of the issue, while still being aware of everything around them. Hal and Zero are as close as you and Mary Lou. By you refusing to have a consistent routine and just one person to be your backup, you disrupt them. They all have set patterns and traditions. Your lack of those messes with their heads."

My eyes dropped. I'd always known I was not a person who does things in the most orthodox way, but I'd never realized the Rangemen were partnered together for a reason. I'd always assumed they were sent out with different men depending on the roster. "I… I didn't realise," I mumbled to myself. I felt awful for Hal and Zero. When Mary Lou and I were out, I hated it when our time was interrupted.

"Of course you didn't," he muttered. "You don't seem to realize how often they put you first. And I know you've been training with them, but by refusing to have back up, you're being selfish."

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "How is this _my _fault? If this is what you wanted me to do, have a permanent partner to work with, then why didn't anybody, you included, tell me that? How was I supposed to know? Huh? Crystal ball? Osmosis? Vulcan Mind Meld?"

I didn't know if I liked this new Ranger. It was all true, of course, but no one likes to hear about their flaws. Then again, he's done stupid shit and I haven't given him too hard a time for it. So this was completely unfair. "Did you watch Bobby's back?" I clapped a hand over my mouth immediately, eyes wide. I couldn't believe I'd just said that.

A pained look settled on Ranger's face instantly. "I tried," he whispered. He shuddered. "Everything went wrong about four months in. The last two I spent trying to get us out."

"Do… do you want to talk about it?" I tried, mentally preparing myself for a verbal lashing. I'd always known he couldn't talk about his missions, but something told me that this would be an exception. Lester's warning floated through my mind again, making me wonder if I'd opened a can of worms.

He met my eyes slowly, searching for something. Whatever it was, he found it. "I'm really not supposed to…" he said slowly, trying to maintain a neutral expression. I bit my lip, praying that he would break the rules just this once. He was still hesitating, something I'd never seen Ranger do before. "You realise you could get hauled in to meet my handler if they find out I've said anything about the mission, don't you?"

I nodded, even though I'd had no idea. I knew I would get my ass kicked if I went around telling everyone in the Burg about Ranger's missions, but Ranger and I both knew I would never do that.

He let out a small breath, which was the equivalent of a huge groan. "I won't tell you any names but it was a large cartel in Mexico that specialised in…" he paused, searching for the right word. "_Manipulating _people into transporting their products across the border. And by manipulation, I mean torturing, kidnapping, murder – you know it, they did it. They didn't seem to have any reservations about anything. The reason I was asked to actually go in was because someone's child was kidnapped." He took a deep breath.

I didn't like where this was going.

"She's chairing the Senate Sub-Committee on drugs. It's a very powerful position. The Committee is voting to form a joint task force with both Mexican and American forces. She's helping to eradicate the cartels, by making a deal with both the US and Mexico governments to help crush them. The committee is divided 50-50 and as Chair, she holds the deciding vote. Obviously, both sides have a lot invested in the outcome."

"I get the feeling that that's not all that happened," I said tentatively.

Ranger jumped up from my couch and started pacing while I watched warily. He made a frustrated sound before turning to face me. "They kidnapped her son two months before the cut off for her vote and told her to vote no on the proposal or they'd send her his head."

My mouth dropped open as my stomach rolled. "Oh God. Did…did they actually send her his head?"

"Steph, it's what we were sent in to prevent. He was a little roughed up, but his injuries weren't so bad that we couldn't get him home. What happened made the mother all the more determined to put a stop to the problem."

My stomach settled down. "Was he okay?"

He looked at me with an emotion I didn't recognise on his haggard face. "I don't know anything beyond what they told me. We got him home safely and took out as many of the cartel members as we could. They can't risk the drugs coming into the States. Our task was to stop the drugs at the source and get the kid home, which is what we did."

I had a feeling there was a lot more to it than that, but I wasn't willing to push my luck. He'd already told me much more than I was supposed to know anyway and asking for me would get me into trouble for sure. "Is Bobby okay?" I asked.

Ranger threw himself back onto my couch. "I think, with the proper support, he will be. I never saw what happened, but I know he wasn't in control when he was high."

Why was everything always about control with these guys? I've never been in control in my life, and I always got along just fine. Well… most of the time anyway. "Ranger…" I started, not really sure where to go with this. All I knew was that I had to comfort him in some way. There was no way he was leaving my apartment the way he came in. "I know I don't have much experience with this, and I'm certainly no psychiatrist, but… you can't _always_ control everything that happens." I paused. "Wait, what? Bobby was high?" I demanded.

Ranger nodded. "We were offered the drugs and there was no other option. We had to take them. We've been trained in how to expel drugs from our system if the situation calls for it. I managed to get them out of my system in time, but Bobby couldn't. He had to sit through a meeting while I was sent back to where we were staying. I shouldn't have left him alone."

"It wasn't your fault," I told him.

He looked up at me sharply, but remained silent. He seemed to be waiting for what I had to say next.

I scrambled, trying to think of something profound to say that would make him see reason. Nothing came to mind, so I decided to just keep babbling. It seemed to work in distracting him. "I mean, there wasn't really anything you could have done to change what happened, was there? You had to keep yourselves alive." I took a deep breath at the thought of Bobby and Ranger not coming home. "And here you are!" I attempted a big smile.

"Stephanie… Babe, as much as I appreciate you saying that, I was supposed to be in complete control. There are things I had to do that I haven't done in years. Bobby did as much as he could. As much as he could, given the circumstances. He kept his cover, which is the main thing."

I shook my head in confusion. "But you said you had to do stuff you hadn't planned for."

He met my eyes unflinchingly. "We did. But it's not like we had a choice. We had to come up with something get around the problems."

I gulped, knowing full well that I didn't want to know the answer my next question. "So you did have to take drugs?" I clarified. _Did you have to sleep with anyone?_

"Yes."

We were obviously back to one worded answers. "What else did you have to do?"

"You don't want to know the answer to that question, Steph." Ranger looked down into his hands, sighing again. He rubbed absentmindedly at his wrist.

My eyes were drawn to the sliver of darkened skin again. "Can I see?"

He stopped rubbing the scar immediately. "I don't think that's a good idea."

I got up from my chair and plonked myself down next to him, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly. "You were supposed to leave earlier," I pointed out. "I didn't think you staying was a good idea."

Ranger responded by shoving the sleeve of his shirt up to his elbow. I gasped. What used to be smooth, dark skin was now horribly scarred. It looked like a knife had been dragged from his elbow to his wrist, where the artery I know you're not supposed to damage was. "How…" I breathed, reaching out a trembling hand to stroke his skin gently. It was rough.

He shivered. "They found out we were Black Ops."

Only Ranger Manoso could say something that was very obviously a big deal so flippantly. "Are there more scars?" I asked softly, praying that there weren't.

"Yes."

"Show me," I demanded, removing my hand from his forearm. He gave me a hard look before reaching over his head and gripping the back of his shirt, pulling it off. I gulped. "Oh!" Was there a way to change my mind without offending him? I wasn't sure my heart could take seeing his beautiful skin messed up.

"Steph," he said quietly. "Don't pity me. It's my job. You roll in garbage and I get shot."

What a romantic way to put it. "I don't roll in garbage anymore," I said haughtily. "I work behind a desk in your building." This was said with a scowl on my face. I was always bored. I fixed him with a sharp look. "I would appreciate if you could tell Tank that I'm actually allowed to leave the building. I have to pick up skips as well as working for you."

He stared right back. "Until you decide to have a permanent partner, you're not leaving that building. Now you're aware of the routine, you can stick to it. Understood?"

I didn't like being ordered around, but he had a point. It was fair enough. I shrugged and waved my hand to tell to get on with it. He raised his eyebrow at me. "Yeah, sure, whatever. Understood, sir."

His eyes darkened as he leaned forward. "I think I like it when you call me sir," he breathed, his hand gliding up and down my side, his thumb grazing the side of my breast. I stopped breathing. The hand halted at the underside of my breast, his fingers tracing the underwire of my bra.

I took a shuddering breath before digging deep down into myself for some resolve to push him away. My heart was pounding when our eyes met. "You're just trying to distract me! Show me your scars," I said, my voice cracking.

The blank face I'd become so used to slammed down into place. He turned around obediently.

I was positive I felt my heart breaking into pieces at the sight of his back. What used to be smooth, sinuous muscle was now marred by horrible blisters and scars. "Oh Ranger," I breathed, reaching out a trembling hand to touch his skin. It felt rough and dry, somewhat like a callous, but it spread from his shoulders down into his cargoes. My fingers followed it down as my mind tried to work out how far it extended.

He shivered. "I told you not to pity me."

Holding in the snort that threatened to break free was not the easiest thing to do. "I'm not," I told him. "I'm in shock. How did this happen?"

He turned to face me and I dropped my hand into my lap. "There was an explosion." I felt a grin creeping onto my face. Ranger looked like he was thinking about smiling as he read my mind. "I took a page out of your book, babe, and blew the fuckers up. Bobby was still high and he fell. I had to cover him."

"You could have died," I whispered. "I can't believe you would…" Well, I could. I knew exactly what type of man Ranger was. He'd put himself at risk for me and his men countless times in the two and a half years I'd known him. Most of the time, he did it without blinking an eye. I knew that he'd been in the army when Julie was born, but he'd always gone above and beyond the call of duty. He'd been serving for over twelve years, both in the forces and in contract work.

"It's my job, Steph. Bobby most certainly didn't have to come with me, but he has some experience with drug cartels. I can't give you details, but he was undercover for years in a cartel before I started RangeMan. He offered."

I shuddered at the idea of being undercover with people like that for years. Trenton had more than enough crazies and danger for me. Thinking about the strength and bravery these men showed every day made my heart pound in my chest. Bobby was looking out for Ranger so he could come home. Not necessarily to me, but home nonetheless. And Ranger repaid him by risking his life. Lula was a great friend and all, but I couldn't trust her to do the same thing. "You have amazing people around you," I said quietly.

He nodded. "I know. I'm careful not to take advantage of them."

"Do you think Lester will be able to talk to Bobby tonight?"

Ranger scratched his chin before grabbing his black shirt and pulling it back on. "I'm not sure. He's not proud about what he had to do to stay hidden." He gritted his teeth as the fabric of the shirt covered his back once again. "He'll probably need some time."

_Is there anything I can do? _"How long?" What I really wanted to ask was if Ranger would be okay. I seriously doubted he would go speak to a professional about his experiences. Probably, he considered being debriefed as his therapy.

He cut his eyes to me. "I know you're a curious person, so this is not what I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?"

There was that almost smile again. What I wouldn't give to see the real thing. "I expected you to be jumping all over me to find out what happened. You've been way too calm about this whole thing."

I was taken aback, if not a tiny bit offended. "I'm not an overexcited puppy!" I exclaimed, narrowing my eyes at him. "When have I ever jumped all over you to find out what happened?" I sat back against the couch with a huff, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Maybe jumping was the wrong word."

"You think so?"

"But you are curious, babe, you can't deny that. I thought there would be a list of questions." He chuckled at the idea. "I have to say, I'm glad there isn't. Your inquisition hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be."

"Yeah, well, I've decided to be a grown up lately." My eyes fell to his wrist again. "Does it still hurt?" A thought occurred to me. "Wait, when you say you blew them up…" I wasn't sure how to finish.

Ranger raised an eyebrow at me in question.

I made a face, trying to work out how to say what I wanted to say. "Well… Did you get all of them? Were they all in the same building?"

His eyes went hard immediately. There was a fury on his face that was barely contained that made me a bit nervous. "No," he said shortly, obviously not very happy about it. He stood up from the couch again, running his fingers through his hair. He tugged forcefully.

I wasn't sure how I could help, so I remained on the couch, biting my lip anxiously. I'd never really seen Ranger lose it completely and I couldn't say I wanted to experience it. There was evidently more to the problem than he'd told me, but there was no way in hell I was going to ask what was going on now.

Ranger whirled around to face me, releasing his hair from the prison of his fingers. "Work and live at RangeMan for a couple months. I need you to stay off the streets," he ordered, staring into my eyes.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Now, I know that wasn't a command," I said in what I hoped was a warning tone. "And I'm not going to just quit my job whenever you snap your fingers." I could feel the anger bubbling to the surface, but getting angry at Ranger right now was definitely not a good idea. I inhaled through my nose slowly in an attempt to calm myself down.

He ground his teeth together, clenching his fists. "What part of I need you off the streets don't you understand?" he asked slowly, obviously trying to remain calm.

"The part where you're telling me what to do and not asking," I hissed back, refusing to break eye contact first. There was no way he was forcing me to quit my job. I was finally getting good at it!

He broke away from our stare off to begin pacing. I crossed my arms over my chest, tapping my foot in impatience. After a few minutes of tense silence, he turned to face me again, an expression on his face I couldn't identify. "It's not safe."

Well, I knew that from firsthand experience. He didn't have to tell me bounty hunting wasn't safe. I waited, but he didn't elaborate. "And?"

His barely contained control snapped. "It's not safe!" he yelled. I jumped. "Is that not enough for you? Can you listen to me for once in the time I've known you and trust me?" He gulped in air like he was a drowning man taking his last few breaths.

I'd be the first to admit he'd scared the shit out of me. I've seen Tank toss people out of windows. I've been stalked, shoved into small cupboards and almost blown up a number of times. But Ranger had never yelled at me like that. "I…I do trust you," I muttered, taking a small step back. Lester was right. I should have made him leave when I had to chance. There was no way I was capable of handling Ranger when he was like this.

"You sure?" he snarled. "Doesn't seem like it."

I squared my shoulders, still close to soiling myself, but met his eyes. "I do. If you ask _nicely_, I'll stay at RangeMan. If you say it's not safe… well, it's not safe." As much as I hated to admit it, he was right about these things. He had eyes and ears all over the place and I had to trust that.

"That's the thing, Steph. I'm not asking."

I felt my hackles rising immediately. "You know, Ranger, you're still a real asshole. I was about to agree with you."

"I'm not giving you a choice."

I was looking around the living room for something to throw at him when his phone rang. The way he froze made me stop. The look on his face made me glance around uneasily, wondering where the attack would come from. My front door was still locked. "Are you going to answer that?"

He looked ill as he reached the phone in his pocket. I did a double take when I saw it. It wasn't the slim, black, state of the art phone I was expecting. It was a battered Nokia. It was still ringing in the palm of his hand. He gritted his teeth and pressed a button, holding it to his ear. He answered in Spanish.

I watched as his eyes closed, as if in pain, and had to force myself not to reach out. His body went rigid before he hung up, shoving the phone back into his pocket. Then his fist flew into my wall, easily punching a hole through it. I let out a shriek of surprise. "What the hell?" I shoved him out of the way to examine my now broken wall.

"Sorry," he growled, not sounding at all sorry.

"You put a hole through my dry wall!" I exclaimed, turning to glare at him. "You're fixing that," I told him.

Ranger refused to look at me. Instead, he stalked to the door and unlocked it, throwing it against _that _wall too and storming out. "Tank will be here to take you to RangeMan in twenty minutes," he threw over his shoulder, disappearing from view.

I raced to the window to see him get into his Porsche. He revved the engine and flew out of the parking lot.


End file.
